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Estranged Wife, Other Man’s Beloved: Perspectives of Filipino Women Involved in Extramarital Relationships

Estranged Wife, Other Man’s Beloved: Perspectives of Filipino Women Involved in Extramarital... Amid societal constraints, difficult repercussions, and double-standard morality on sexuality that favors the male members of their society, eight Filipino women engaged in extramarital affairs. To answer the question “Why did they commit and endure the affair?” a phenomenological life-world approach explored their perspectives regarding the triggering and perpetuating factors of their extramarital relationships (EMR). The analysis revealed their standpoints that negatively perceived marital relationship quality, paternal neglect of children, increasing opportunities for EMR, that is, workplace and mobile technology, and positively perceived extramarital–alternative familial relationship quality emerged as the women’s reasons behind the decision to engage and endure in the affair. Keywords extramarital affair, infidelity, Filipino women, family, marriage, cheating Despite the prevailing double-standard morality in sexuality De Stefano & Oala, 2008). For the Filipino woman in par- (Jankowiak, Nell, & Buckmaster, 2002; Mulder, 1990-1991), ticular, her society constructed female sexuality within the a norm that upholds women to be chaste, monogamous, and bounds of marriage and the standards of marianismo, that is, sexually passive and exclusive (Dias, Machado, & Gonçalves, she is expected to be self-restraining and serving as “moral 2012; Rodriguez, 1990) and puts up with men being polyga- mother” who ought to be a model of chastity and a forgiving mous as they succumb to the influence of machismo culture martyr in case of husband infidelity (Aguilar, 1989; Estrada- (T. Gonzales, 2003; Leyson, 2004-2006) within an allegedly Claudio, 1990-1991; Mulder, 1990-1991). Venturing out of male-dominated society, some Filipino women of today are this social construction would dishonor her and expose her to now openly taking on the risk of an extramarital relationship societal contempt and domestic violence, and would even (EMR). The downside of this double standard is that criminalize her act as adultery (Leyson, 2004-2006). In one machismo tolerates male EMR while marianismo condemns of the cases of this study, the woman’s husband physically female EMR. In machismo, a real macho’s appeal is derived abused her due to jealousy and intensified upon learning from his ability to conquer women, whereas in marianismo, about her affair. She and her lover were even incarcerated for a woman’s worth is based on the ideals of the Catholic’s adultery. Virgin Mary, that is, self-sacrificing moral mother, long- For a woman who engages, the affair becomes an open suffering martyr, and submissive wife (Englander, Yáñez, & secret to her social milieu wherein sometimes it is just the Barney, 2012; Roces, 2009). husband who remains unaware of the affair. In the eight Also called as marital infidelity, EMR could be catego- cases studied here, only two husbands have no direct knowl- rized as emotional, sexual, or a combination of both (Allen edge of the situation. This and other studies show that women et al., 2008; Banfield & McCabe, 2001; Fisher, Voracek, in EMR are no longer new. The numbers filling out some Rekkas, & Cox, 2008). Sexual infidelity involves purely statistical tables about female infidelity are foreboding. sexual intercourse whereas emotional infidelity does not Some studies conducted from 1948 to 1992 assessed women require sexual relationship but develops a strong emotional extramarital affairs to be around 20% to 50% (Buss & bond with the person other than the spouse (Thornton & Nagurney, 2011; Zare, 2011). It is considered as infidelity Palawan State University, Puerto Princesa, Philippines because within marriage, emotional bond and sexual rela- Corresponding Author: tionships are expected and agreed to be exclusive between Jemimah Gaite Pizarro, Department of Behavioral Sciences, College husband and wife (Thornton & Nagurney, 2011). This is of Arts and Humanities, Palawan State University, Tiniguiban Heights, risky for a woman who faces more sanctions when it comes Tiniguiban, Puerto Princesa City 5300, Philippines. to sexuality than her male counterpart (Crooks & Baur, 2008; Email: jempizarro@gmail.com This article is distributed under the terms of the Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 License Creative Commons CC BY: (http://www.creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/) which permits any use, reproduction and distribution of the work without further permission provided the original work is attributed as specified on the SAGE and Open Access page (http://www.uk.sagepub.com/aboutus/openaccess.htm). 2 SAGE Open Shackelford, 1997). Recently, some estimates claim that at done for cross-references and delimitations rather than for most 55% of married women engaged in extramarital sex designing a primary theoretical framework that follows the whether a one-night stand or an enduring one (Atwood & data fitting process. Thus, with this goal in mind, it was nec- Schwartz, 2002). essary for the inquiry to start off with an exploratory The society has had enough of the problems from philan- approach. The data were categorized inductively to answer dering. What more to expect from women doing the same? the research question. Apart from sexually transmitted diseases, there is the possi- Keeping in mind that EMR is no longer a particular mas- bility of increase in domestic violence as husbands tend be culinist domain (David, 2001), we would like to present the violent in reaction to wife’s infidelity (Buss & Shackelford, different Filipino women’s experiences in braving this ven- 1997; Jankowiak et al., 2002). Also, one likely direct effect is ture amid constraints and complicated consequences. The a broken home. That is because EMR has been a primary use of the concept of bravery is never connotative of noble- cause of marital dissolution (De Stefano & Oala, 2008; ness. Rather, it is tantamount to courage, a denotation of Leyson, 2004-2006). One cross-cultural review reveals that which is a mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, infidelity became the most typical cause of marital break-up and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty in a particular situa- (see Whisman, Gordon, & Chatav, 2007). Another study tion. In a nutshell, the concept of courage provides an imme- even showed that if the offending partner is the female, mar- diate and initial description of the Filipino woman’s riage is more likely to collapse than if it is the male (Zola, disposition in her involvement in EMR in spite of its nega- 2007). It might be because the husband tends to be less for- tive effects to her family and to her as a woman, whose wom- giving of the wife’s infidelity (T. Gonzales, 2003), and the anhood and sexuality are defined within the double-standard wife is less willing to resolve the marital conflict if she has morality of the only predominantly Christianized society in already developed emotional bond with the lover (Allen Southeast Asia (Austria, 2004; Roces, 2009). With the pri- et al., 2008). mary objective of understanding the psyche of the women It is indeed high time that the female infidelity issue, par- engaged, this study began exploring one aspect of this expe- ticularly in the local setting, be recognized as an immediate rience—the factors in the decision to engage in EMR. Thus, concern for research. As there is a dearth of relevant local- the woman’s answers to the question of why she committed ized studies regarding this psychosocial issue (Leyson, 2004- and endured the act would hopefully emerge the real “lived 2006), the only established theories available are those experience” that would clarify some preconceptions. generated from the outside (see Allen et al., 2005; Blow & Hartnett, 2005). The very few particularized researches are Dynamics of Factors in Literature primarily focused on Filipino husbands as the offending party and wives as the offended side, but there are almost no What are her factors in engaging the EMR? In every phe- inquiries centered on Filipino women engaged in EMR (see nomenon, factors could be categorized into three basic Ahlburg, Jensen, & Perez, 1997). In most relevant infidelity dynamics, that is, predisposing, triggering, and perpetuating studies, the samples used were restricted to middle-to-upper- factors. A comprehensive review done by Allen et al. (2005) class and Caucasian participants (Blow & Hartnett, 2005). A emerged six factors that reflect the stages of extramarital theory generated from a less diverse sample may also be lim- involvement, that is, predisposing, approach, precipitating, ited and therefore may not be enough to further understand maintenance, discovery or disclosure, and response. These the EMR experiences of the lower class Filipino women. defined factors that are along the dimensions of the individ- Blow and Hartnett (2005) suggested the use of diverse sam- ual (offending party and the offended), marital relationship, ples to enrich meanings of data gathered across cultures. This and external context (extramarital partner and relationship, particular study about Filipino women EMR may contribute workplace, peer, and culture) thoroughly illustrate the devel- to this diversity. This is a confirmation of the paradigm shifts opment of the EMR from pre to post involvement. This in Philippine Social Science research that encourage the use study, however, does not present the process but is delimited of indigenization, localization, and particularization in in categorizing and putting forward the answers of the par- approaching unique to collective experiences particularly ticipants to the main question mentioned earlier. those of socio-cultural significance (Banzon-Bautista, 1995; A. Gonzales, 1990; Miralao, 1999). This supports the induc- Predisposing Factors tive emergence of theories in meeting halfway the process of theoretical deduction in qualitative research (see Denzin & This study defines predisposing factors as those tendencies Lincoln, 1998; Patton, 2002). In this emergent design, the of the individual to commit the act during or even before goal is to generate categories and concepts through the marriage. These factors are focused on the involved individ- description and analysis of the underlying meanings con- ual level. According to some studies, one of these precursors structed by the participants and not to tie the data on any could be personality, that is, insecure attachment style preexisting theory (Creswell, 2007; Dawson, 2007; Flick, (Tsapelas, Fisher, & Aron, 2010), low self-esteem (Træen, Kardorff, & Steinke, 2004). Reviews of related studies were Holmen, & Stigum, 2007), low conscientiousness, high Pizarro and Gaspay-Fernandez 3 narcissism, high psychoticism (Buss & Shackelford, 1997), & Nock, 2006) and other needs and expectations (Meston & neuroticism (Whisman et al., 2007), low agreeableness Buss, 2007). In view of the deficit love model (Tsapelas (Zare, 2011), and sexual compulsivity (Smith, 2011). For the et al., 2010), women in EMR claim general marital dissatis- bio-evolutionary paradigm, Cherkas, Oelsner, Mak, Valdes, faction rather than purely sexual dissatisfaction as the pri- and Spector (2004) claimed that having it in the family blood mary reason for the involvement (Allen et al., 2008). Thus, increases susceptibility as female infidelity is hereditable. women’s extra-dyadic affairs are usually reported to be more While Buss and Shackelford (1997) maintained that most emotional than sexual (Fisher et al., 2008). Women in EMR demographic characteristics are insufficient predictors of give more weight in intimacy and attachment problems in the EMR, Crooks and Baur (2008) and Chernozhukov and Hong marital life as reasons to engage (De Stefano & Oala, 2008). (2002) presented that age matters such that the younger the Also, in the reason of the women in committing infidelity, individual the more is the tendency to engage. Atkins, relationship context is more of an influencing factor than Baucom, and Jacobson (2001) revealed that high educational demographic predispositions like age and educational level level increases likelihood of committing infidelity. Premarital (Mark, Janssen, & Milhausen, 2011) . In utility assessment, context too is influential such that cohabitation (Smith, length of marriage is also a factor that is inversely correlated 2011), a history of extra-dyadic affair, and high premarital with marriage satisfaction (Fair, 1978). Moreover, Buss and interest in sex would increase tendency to extramarital sex if Shackelford (1997) cited the 1977 study of Glass and Wright, marital sex satisfaction decreases (Allen et al., 2008). The which claimed that a lot of women in EMR are those who study of Allen et al. (2008) also linked poor mental health, experience marital dissatisfaction later in marriage life. low religiosity, and low relationship adjustment ability to While for other needs and expectations, infertility of the infidelity susceptibility. spouse is a motivating factor (Smith, 2011), and a study done by Zhang, Parish, Huang, and Pan (2012) in China reveals that a comparatively low income of the husband is correlated Triggering Factors with wife infidelity. Also, the affair could be considered as an In the review of Allen et al. (2005), triggering factors encom- alternative investment that would provide resources, that is, pass the beginning of actual engagement, whereas in this economic, physical, and emotional for the woman if the hus- study, they are defined as situational within the marriage life band is becoming less amenable and accessible. The hus- and encompass what goes on inside marital and familial rela- band’s infidelity is one situation that puts the marital–familial tionships before the EMR as well as opportunities conducive relationship in danger of paternal investment withdrawal that for the event to be actualized. The bulk of similar studies encourages the woman as a mother to look for alternatives focused more on the couple relationship and opportunities (Fisher et al., 2008). Furthermore, some affairs are attempts and less to almost none on the familial relationship (see Allen to elicit the partner’s jealousy for self-worth affirmation et al., 2005; Drigotas & Barta, 2012). In a collectivist culture (Crooks & Baur, 2008) while others are retaliatory in case of like the Philippines, the family is a significant influence in the partner’s misdemeanor (Zare, 2011). decision making. Consequently, in this research, family emerged as a factor. Perpetuating Factors Independence, whether emotional or economical, is also an influencing factor in the decision for engagement Perpetuating factors endure the phenomenon and are appar- (Drigotas & Barta, 2012). Aside from women entering the ent in long-term EMR. There are some studies that present world of work (Atkins, Eldridge, Baucom, & Christensen, that the extramarital partner may prolong the EMR even if 2005; Drigotas & Barta, 2012), Weeks, in an interview con- the woman decides to stop through threats of disclosure par- ducted by Smith (2011), argued that the introduction of ticularly if the spouse is unaware of the affair (Allen et al., mobile and digital technology created more opportunities for 2005). In this research, however, there are no similar claims EMR. Also, the mass media with its bombardment of sub- from the women. Thus, the factors that emerged rely heavily liminal to intentional messages about liberal sexuality, mis- on the result of comparison between the married life and represented and misinterpreted gender role changes, and extramarital life. A comparison between husband and lover equality and romanticized affairs is preparing a society that by the woman, which inclines favorably on the lover’s side, is more conducive to extra-dyadic affairs (Leyson, perpetuates the affair such that when she already developed 2004-2006). emotional connection with the alternative partner, she is less In most of the relevant researches gathered, marital rela- willing to rescue the marital relationship (Allen et al., 2008). tionship quality is the primary triggering factor, while studies In view of the equity restoration mechanism model (Walster, about the factors of familial relationship quality in EMR that Traupmann, & Walster, 1978), the alternative relationship involves the role of children and parenting work are almost may compensate whatever is lacking in the under-benefited unavailable. Marital quality encompasses the sexual satisfac- marital relationship. That is, the alternative relationship is tion sub-factor and emotional relationship sub-factor, that is, able to provide the needs and expectations not met in the love, commitment, expression, or “emotion work” (Wilcox marital context, more so if it is able to guarantee the familial 4 SAGE Open Table 1. Demographic Profile of the Participants. Participant (P) Fighter Diane Vilma Ms. X Happy Meg Barbie Sweet Girl Age during interview 50 42 38 35 53 38 32 49 Age married 18 30 17 28 17 27 19 25 Age upon engagement in EMR 29 37 36 33 48 33 32 46 No. of years married before EMR 11 7 19 5 31 6 13 21 P’s occupation Teacher Guest relations Cook Vendor Retail store Public None Massage officer owner servant therapist Age of spouse during interview 54 54 47 Deceased at Deceased at 33 32 53 age 65 age 81 Spouse’s occupation Marine None House Deceased Deceased Tricycle Bill Carpenter caretaker driver collector If spouse is aware of P’s EMR Yes Yes No Yes Yes Yes No Yes Lover’s age during interview 43 54/66 38 50 52 38 29 60 If lover is aware of P’s marital status Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Lover’s civil status during interview Single Married Single Widower Married Married Single Married Note. EMR = extramarital relationships. requirements of a biologically predisposed “nest-defending Philippines. The challenging search for potential participants human female” (Pease & Pease, 2001, p. 231). was done through the use of an indigenous method known as There are further individual observations regarding the patanung-tanong (asking around). Fifteen women were factors. For one, Langley (2005) claimed that her partici- identified, but only eight of them confirmed the willingness pants reported the feeling of something missing in the mari- to be interviewed. Patanung-tanong (tanong is a Filipino tal relationship. She considers this as the critical first stage translation of the word “question” or “inquiry”) is an infor- when EMR is about to be created (Langley, 2005). Lusterman mal but discreet way of locating key informants who would (1998), however, pointed out the critical role of the family in be willing to recommend potential participants for the establishing the pattern of EMR practices from parents to research. The element of trust and researcher credibility in children, a predisposing factor. this method is critical, and thus, locating the participants was This study, however, does not attempt to look at the pre- done through the help of these informants who personally disposing factors as this would require a more in-depth and know the women involved in EMR. They served as the longitudinal case study (Allen et al., 2008) that uses other bridge that played key roles in inviting and convincing the sources aside from interview. The main framework is the set participants to take part in the interview and for establishing of triggering factors and the perpetuating factors along the rapport before the interview process. Rapport building standpoint of the women engaged. The immediate subjective included the introduction of the topic of the interview, sig- perspectives of these women about their own “action-design” nificance of the study, importance of their stories, and the (Flick et al., 2004, p. 68) are put on the surface for analysis informed consent that assured the recognition of their rights with the hope that this would be an additional help in address- and the confidentiality of their participation. Even before the ing the issue in concern. interview, the participants readily admitted their involve- ment in the EMR. It was found out during the interview that their willingness to participate was brought about by their Method desire to air out their sentiments and be listened to by some- As the study is a phenomenological life-world analysis that one whom they believed would understand their situation. encompasses the subjectively constructed nature and essence The interview setting was exclusive between the participant of the lived experience, the emphasis of analysis was on the and the researcher as interviewer; two interviews (with the perceptions of the participants as comprising the only real participants whose EMR status during the interview was still world built on the “realm of immediate evidence” (Flick “trysting” with their extramarital partner) were conducted et al., 2004, p. 67). The primary collection of data was the outside the home, while the rest were done within the privacy interviewers’ written notes directly from the answers of the of their home. participants. There were only four audio records of the four The qualified participant was living with the husband and participants because the rest of them refused an audio. We considered herself legally married to him (this is included as used the eight sets of transcriptions from the written records one respondent’s marriage was actually void beyond her of the interview. knowledge and realized only later during the affair) when the The researchers did a one-shot semi-structured interview decision to engage in EMR was realized. The demographic that lasted for about 2 to 3 hr for each of the eight cases, all profiles of the participants are presented in tabular form (see of which are from Palawan, an immigrant province in the Table 1). Pizarro and Gaspay-Fernandez 5 The series of guide questions with 23 items in Filipino EMR quality and alternative familial relationship quality language was organized in such a way that would check the emerged as sub-factors. The third stage allowed the inter- consistency of the answer while maintaining the required course of the factors and sub-factors to explore any appar- conversational design, flexibility, and fluidity of qualitative ent relationship. The comparison of the factors revealed the interviewing (see Mason, 2002). For example, we started the juxtaposition of the sub-factors marital and familial rela- conversation with the question “Kumusta na kayo ng boy- tionship quality under the woman’s negative evaluation. friend mo ngayon? [How is your relationship with your boy- Further interaction of the sub-factors resulted to the con- friend at present?],” which could be rephrased as “Kumusta trast of the primary themes as marital–familial is perceived si (code name of lover) bilang boyfriend? [How is (code as negative as opposed to the positively evaluated extra- name of lover) as a boyfriend?]” and could be asked again marital–alternative familial relationship quality (see Table later to check consistency. “Rather than to just retrieve a 2). Pseudonyms are used to protect the identity of the par- series of answers from a predetermined set of responses,” the ticipants. The frequency of indications of the themes or fac- goal of the interview was to engage the participants in a con- tors is also noted. Profiles are added for support if the versation for full disclosure of their perspectives regarding interpretation would need the background information of their lived experiences of EMR (Gerson & Horowitz, 2002, the participants. p. 210, emphasis added). A pilot interview with a woman The result of this exploratory study is true only to the par- who engaged in EMR after a 3-month separation from the ticipants and should not be used for external generalization husband was conducted to test this. The validity of their (see Dawson, 2007). The purpose is to extract the underlying claims, however, was no longer tested. That is, if there are meanings along the expressions of the participants that socially acceptable answers, it could not be ascertained if would represent the perspectives, as suggested by Creswell they provided them for the reason of social acceptability or (2007), of the women engaged in EMR. for truthfulness. For an initial exploration, their consistent verbal expressions that considerably reflected their present Discussion of Results sentiments and perspectives would be enough. Qualitative approach does not impose the process of data When asked about the condition of marital bond, particularly fitting on static preconceived categories (Flick et al., 2004; the relationship of the husband to his wife before the EMR, Gerson & Horowitz, 2002). The process of inductive analy- the women readily gave negative assessments. The marital sis should form new concepts generated from the subthemes context before EMR was negatively evaluated, for example, from the data. Thus, in using the principles in qualitative “empty relationship” (Barbie) and “already hurting each research of Creswell (2007), Denzin and Lincoln (2005), and other” (Diane). Their claims as shown by the following ver- Patton (2002) as guide in thematic analysis, which suggests batim expressions are pointing to their husbands as the ones that themes and categories are emergent, the preliminary to be blamed in their “not good” (Happy) or “difficult” guiding framework is delimited to the basic dynamics of trig- (Sweet Girl) situation cradled by unresolved conflicts, gering and perpetuating factors of EMR. abuses, and economic insecurities. The wounded sentiments The analytical strategy followed three stages. First, the caused by their husbands’ uncaring attitudes and inabilities data gathered, transcribed, and coded are categorized under could already be extracted here. the pre-arranged primary themes, that is, triggering factors and perpetuating factors. These primary themes were cre- . . . no more love. It was all gone . . . We used to be happy and ated in response to literature and pre-assumptions, that is, sweet. We were open with each other. But then it was all gone predisposing factors would not be readily available from a when I learned about his illegitimate child . . . It became an one-shot interview, and so they were not explored, while empty relationship that it was like we were just living together for the sake of the children. Not easy, right (Barbie)? triggering factors are presumed to be situational within the marital relationship before the EMR and perpetuating fac- We would always fight over finances. We could not reconcile tors are assumed to be enduring within the EMR. A series of things. (Vilma) re-reading and re-interpretation was used to establish the proper codes. The second stage allowed the interplay of the We were already hurting each other. There were times when he coded data and the pre-arranged themes. In this stage, sub- would pour down freezing water on me. Once, I ran to my themes emerged. The categorized data on the triggering friend’s house without slippers just to escape away from him. factors were put into subthemes of unmet needs and expec- Life was hard that we’re eating only two square meals a day. He tations within marital and familial relationships, and oppor- would even choose his friends over us, his family. (Diane) tunities. It is interesting to note that apart from opportunities and marital relationship, familial relationship quality It was difficult like he did not care about me, he was always emerged as another sub-factor. This sub-factor is themed as working, he was always boozy and was not providing money the significance of children, which is given less attention in that I had to find ways to get food for my children. I did laundry some EMR literatures. Under the perpetuating factors, and massage services for money . . .. (Sweet Girl) 6 SAGE Open Table 2. Summary of Factors. Triggering factors Perpetuating factors Negatively perceived relationship quality (husband as the pivot) Positively perceived relationship quality (lover as the pivot) Alternative familial Participant Marital relationship Familial relationship Opened opportunities EMR relationship Fighter Physical abuse (recurring); Lack of respect, love for kids Change of workplace where Perpetuating harassment of the Cares for children infidelity (concubinage) or family; selfish; finances she met the lover husband; firm resolve to stand up provided not enough; for it; assurance from lover that oppressive atmosphere he will fight for her; needs and expectations are met Diane Physical and sexual abuse; Finances provided not enough Change of work situation Excitement and affection of lover Has a child from the infidelity (2 meals a day); does not (met lover when starts lover whom he prioritize family; lack of working at night) supports perpetuates affection (dines on his own) the EMR Vilma Lack of affection and Does not prioritize family; SMS communication Lover meets expectations and appreciation (never once conflicts on finances (textmate) emotional needs; love for husband dated after marriage; does not faded; affection and care celebrate birthdays) Ms. X Lack of respect, trust, honesty Unresolved conflicts (money, Workplace and SMS Loves the lover more than the Has child with the especially on finances; age gap little things like watching TV husband; met some expectations in lover and etc.); wanted to have EMR; knows the lover more than children the husband Happy Infidelity; physical and Lack of care and respect for the Has a retail store where EMR provided an outlet and met Cares and accept her sexual abuse; not ready to family; hurts the kids; finances lover was a constant her needs; boosted her self- children communicate provided not enough customer esteem; love; cares and concerns, hardworking; lover values her; firm decision Meg Physical abuse; infidelity; sexual Conflicts on finances and Peer influence in the Love faded; loves the lover more than dissatisfaction alcoholism workplace husband Barbie Infidelity; no healthy No longer has time and affection SMS (textmate) Unresolved conflicts with husband Lover provides communication; lack of love, for kids; kids are hurt with the and no open communication; economic help respect and faithfulness; no conflicts at home; conflicts on emotional hurt of husband’s longer recognizes role in finances infidelity not alleviated due to budgeting as such anger; new found excitement in EMR; found happiness Sweet girl Conflicts on husband’s Lack of assurance of love, care, Change of milieu and met Lover cares and protects her; Cares and provides for accusations; no open healthy and affection for her and the friend turned lover; at first, compensated the needs and her kids (youngest communication; disregard her kids; does not provide enough lover was an opportunity expectations not met by husband; even calls lover importance at home; lack of finances to rebel against husband’s found someone she loves father) respect for her as a woman; indifference indifferent husband Note. EMR = extramarital relationships; SMS = short messaging system. Not good. He took me for granted. He didn’t care. He was not perfectly at least be comfortably sexually satisfied, be forcing me to have sex with him. He said he would hurt our kids valued as an individual, and understandably, be adored. The if I refuse. He beat them terribly . . .. (Happy) relevant studies regarding the needs of married women revolve around these expectations (Crooks & Baur, 2008). If Even in weighing the quality of familial relationship, the these needs and expectations are not achieved, then she will point of reference is the ability of the husband to provide as be tempted to find the fulfillment of these requirements out- a partner parent. Economic provisions are expected to be the side marriage when an alternative relationship becomes husband’s primary responsibility. The statements above available. This is in line with the investment model approach show that in this role, the husband is perceived to be ineffi- that discusses relationship commitment as a factor that influ- cient. More to this, in Happy’s case, the husband was physi- ences involvement in extra-dyadic relationships and where cally abusive of the children. The husband then as the marital relationship satisfaction serves as a force that determines the partner and father of her children became the pivotal spring- level of commitment (Drigotas & Barta, 2012). This study board of her perceived triggering factors in engaging the did not measure the level of commitment before EMR. affair (see Table 2). Nevertheless, the expressions of the participants reveal that the negative evaluation on marital relationship is tantamount to low satisfaction, a function of which is the fulfillment of Marital Needs and Expectations: Primary Factors the needs and expectations. in Marital Relationship Quality In this study, the marital needs, which refer to those neces- sities of the woman as a wife, encompass sexual satisfaction; Upon entering a life-altering married life, she has with her a love needs that summarize intimacy, care, trust, and affection; set of expectations, that is, be taken care of, be provided, if Pizarro and Gaspay-Fernandez 7 husband’s fidelity; and individual demands referring to free- characterized by husband’s infidelity. What is more surpris- dom and esteem needs. This is manifested along the women’s ing is that only two women (Barbie and Meg) openly speci- answers (shown below) when asked about their needs and fied husband’s infidelity as a conducing factor. Even Fighter expectations. These marital needs, which are weighing more who pointed out fidelity as a requirement expressed that on the love and individual demands, become the primary fac- what hurts her more is the husband’s inability to meet her tors in evaluating the marital relationship quality for these love needs and welfare of her children than his betrayal. It women as they are highly indicated. might be poverty and the forgiving culture when it comes to men cheating which push fidelity a little into the sidelines Be taken care of, love, and faithfulness of course. A spouse who and emphasize the importance of love needs, individual cares to understand me and my children’s needs. Be treated with demands, and familial requirements. Although nobody dignity . . . even love and respect he could not give. I should directly claimed poverty as a contributing factor, expressions have freedom in doing things. At least show his love to our kids. such as “We’re eating only 2 square meals a day” (Diane) No he doesn’t. He is selfish he disregards his family . . . (Fighter) and “He does not take home money . . . I still need to work on my own . . . as a laundry woman . . . so my kids could eat” There shouldn’t be secrets . . . He seems a stranger to me that there (Sweet Girl) imply an economically poor situation. are lots of things about his past that I don’t know. (Ms. X) First, our In every relationship, open communication is a must to household needs, our finances that he should provide since he’s the ensure the life of the bond (Allen et al., 2008). When a spouse one working, right? Sex is not that much important. I don’t crave sees an opportunity for healthy communication within the much, that occasionally would be enough. And of course I should relationship, she may view this as a bridge for the realization know, that a man should treat a woman nicely. (Meg) of her marital expectations. Three of the women (Happy, For me, I do not need much sex. He has to provide our economic Barbie, and Sweet Girl), however, reported that this prereq- needs so my children could live a good life. (Diane) uisite is absent exacerbating further the conflicts and differences. It could have been better if he gives at least 100 Php or 150 Php [roughly US$2-US$4] that I could stretch out for a day instead of It’s exhausting to talk with him . . . we could not tackle the me finding money outside. I really feel like he does not love me. problem because when I try to open up he raises his voice. He He had his first wife from an invalid marriage who left him. It shouts a lot . . . he doesn’t care. He’s selfish. (Sweet Girl) feels like I have his body but he left his heart in his first family. I really wish that he loves us also, that he provides our economic Honestly, there is no way that we could settle things because he needs. I wish that sometimes he would be more affectionate just doesn’t know how to listen. He always talks perversely. instead of going home drunk and cold. (Sweet Girl, emphasis Even in realizing his mistakes, he shouts and leaves me. Let’s added) say when I tell him that I’m having a hard time working, he retorts “and so just go on working, why don’t you?” He’s Citing Sweet Girl’s case, it is revealed that just to check unreasonable. It’s hard to converse with him. So we just do not talk, not even planning to . . .. (Happy) on her worth as a wife, her first attempt of extramarital sex was intentional to test her husband’s indifference. These conflicts are usually about the husband’s betrayal, Unfortunately, it did prove her unloved wife status. Although physical abuse, and in majority of the cases, finances. still a necessity as specified by two of the women, sex is Physical abuse such as hitting, pouring on freezing water, perceived to be “not much” (Diane, Meg) of a need. Only and rape is characteristically accompanied by the husband’s one (Meg) indirectly claimed sexual dissatisfaction within infidelity. This confirms some studies that reveal that the marital relationship, which, however, was not pointed out as likelihood of spousal abuse increases if the husband has a conducing factor. This confirms some studies claiming that extramarital affairs (e.g., McCloskey, Williams, & Larsen, this marital requirement is often not the driving force in 2005; Stieglitz, Gurven, Kaplan, & Winking, 2012). Although cheating (e.g., Allen et al., 2008; Fisher et al., 2008; De this finding is not explored in this study, this could be rele- Stefano & Oala, 2008) as claimed by Sweet Girl below: vant if analyzed further. Not only does physical violence not It’s exasperating that others think that I just need it [sex]. It’s not fulfill the love need, but it also betrays it and violates the about it [sex]. I just need to be appreciated, to be taken care of. individual rights of the woman, thus manifesting in the worst My neighbors would insist that I’m wanting and that I’m starved scenario of unmet marital needs and expectations. of [sex] . . . they know nothing . . .. (Sweet Girl) Significance of Children: A Crucial Factor in Despite the double-standard view the Philippine society Familial Relationship Quality has on marital relationship, two women (Barbie and Fighter) implied that the husband’s fidelity is still a requirement. Albeit not directly asked about the quality of family life, Nevertheless, most of the husbands are perceived to be cheat- which encompasses the relationship of the father to his chil- ers as six out of the eight cases of marital relationships are dren and parent to parent interaction, the expressions 8 SAGE Open throughout the interview provide enough information that factor when a very tempting offer came along the way. We reveals a negative evaluation. For one, as can be extracted could see this along the statements below: from the quoted statements of the participants, even if it is He [lover] helped me find food for my kids during difficult just the marital relationship that is being inquired about, the times . . . his worries about me and my kids are really appreciable. answers almost always connect to the family center—the (Sweet Girl) children and their unmet needs, that is, economic and psy- chological. Fighter, for example, lamented, “He hits me even At least I know this widower . . . He has kids . . . I know his past. in front of the kids.” Emphasizing on “even in front of the (As Ms. X had contemplated the possibility of bearing a child kids” implies the lack of consideration of the father for his with boyfriend) children’s emotional well-being. Another one, Happy, described how her husband would carelessly take his mis- tress home, and as she put it, EMR Opportunities: Necessary Factors They eat and laugh while I and my children stay here inside the Given the unmet needs and expectations mentioned, what to bedroom . . . not even a knock to check if we have already dined do when very seductive and appealing opportunities show or not. themselves? The women reported that with twice thinking, they still pursued them anyway. She added the following: “Maybe this man could fulfill what my husband could not,” Diane said when asked about the reason for the deci- What particularly hurts me more is that he beats my children . . . sion to pursue the affair upon realizing the other man’s offer. The offer came when she started working at night and had While for Barbie, the opportunity to widen her milieu and met her lover. The lover then was given the opportunity to show what he could For me, he has to give his love again, his respect for me as his fulfill. In Diane’s case as well as in the other seven cases, wife. He no longer shows them. He has to give back the old me, opportunities to actualize the affair were necessary factors. the wife who used to have the rights, like in household finances Thus, even if the unmet needs and expectations are perceived he no longer recognizes my role in budgeting. He has to regard to be enough reasons to find someone else, if there are no my children with his love and time. Even that he could no longer opportunities, the relationship could never be realized as in provide. (Barbie) the case of Meg. It is shown here that for the woman, marital is intertwined In my case, it was unexpected because of the bantering. We were with the familial. She does not separate the two relationships always together wherever we go. Because he [lover] is really such that when asked about her needs and expectations as a friendly and warm. Well, without those encounters, I won’t wife, the needs of her children and the need for a child, as cheat on him [husband]. (Meg) indirectly implied by one woman, are included. Ms. X admit- ted that the desire to have her own child was one of the con- We were just texting (SMS) at first. It never crossed my mind ducing factors that pushed her toward EMR. that there would be someone who would be interested since I already have kids . . . it was exciting to have a textmate. It Yes, I’m fed up . . . It’s just so tiring. I thought he could not give eventually developed into this. (Barbie) me a child since the problem is on him [husband]. I really want to confirm that I don’t have reproductive problems. I want to It started through texting. He was sending messages and I still have my own child. (Ms. X) didn’t know him personally. I told my husband about it and he told me to just delete the number. But I was fascinated by his Also, the economic security or finances are the familial messages and it led into regular exchange of messages and then needs directed toward the children, being the family center. I challenged him to meet me . . .. (Vilma) That is, when she talks about the family and finances, it is implicitly about the children’s well-being. Pittman (1990) talked about the changing pattern of infi- Included in the stated needs of the women are the finan- delity and pointed out the increasing opportunities for cial and family commitments of the husband. These commit- spouses to encounter more people outside the marriage life. ments are not fulfilled as the needs and expectations are In the eight cases of this study, these opportunities became incongruent with the reported quality of familial relation- apparent when they started venturing the outside of the mari- ships. Every case has a problem on finances of which the tal fence. Four of them met their lovers at work. A sort of father is considered by the women as the primary provider. peer teasing provoked one to try the excitement of the expe- And most of the cases are characterized by blatant neglect of rience. The prevalence of electronic communications such as the children. This situation for the women became a crucial cell phone hastens the affair due to convenience and ease of Pizarro and Gaspay-Fernandez 9 cover. SMS communication or texting were the facilitators of It’s different since there’s already a comparison. I saw his [lover] concern for me. He is always reminding me to not skip my meal. the affairs of two of the women (Vilma and Barbie). Nice He is soft-spoken. My husband rarely goes home and we always messages and the excitement derived from this method fight. He’s always yelling. He has no time that even when I ask pushed them further toward the onset of the relationship. for a date he refuses. What I also like about my boyfriend is While the lover of another woman was a neighbor, their when I air up my hurt feelings about my husband, he doesn’t encounters were made possible by her retail store where he provoke me. He consoles me and tells me to just let it go. (Vilma) (the lover) was a constant customer. In the other case, the persistence of her lover who followed her from Manila to What endured the relationship is the perception that the Palawan was an enduring opportunity, which remained open other man is better than the husband. “He [lover] treats me until she decided to accept it. differently than my husband . . . he is really caring,” as Happy reported. Estranged from their husbands, they feel that they become their other mans’ beloved. Love require- Husband Versus Lover: On Perpetuating Factors ments were satisfied when they believe that the lovers care The study finds that whether the husband is aware or not, the for them, and love for the husband faded. Esteem needs are affair endures. During the interview, the status of the four further satisfied just as Happy believes when she said, “I cases is cohabiting, while two are trysting secretly and one is have finally found my worth; it in some way boosted my dating, which means just seeing the other man from time to self-esteem.” time but without firm commitment. In spite of some societal With reference to the equity theory (Walster et al., 1978) constraints such as condemnation, gossips, and friends and and investment model, briefly discussed by Drigotas and family pressure, the women stood on their decision to engage Barta (2012), pursuing an alternative relationship if posi- and endure along the process. Diane and Ms. X said the tively evaluated may be considered as an equity restoration following: mechanism and may weaken the commitment to the marital relationship. The weakening of the commitment is due to the At first I was afraid I was thinking of others’ opinions if ever lessening of the marital as well as familial relationship satis- they found out. Well now, it’s different as I care less for whatever faction due to the unfulfilled needs and expectations of the they say. (Diane) woman, which in this study are also juxtaposed with the regard for children. It was also influenced by the compara- Same old. I don’t give a damn to their tittle-tattle. They know tively more satisfying EMR. The alternative relationship what’s between us [husband]. They know the story. They know became a way to restore the inequity in relationship, wherein how he [husband] treated me. I don’t care. It’s their opinion the women may consider themselves as the under-benefited anyway. (Ms. X) party. They have endured enough and so they believe that they deserve a better relationship. This justification is an Why? One woman (Happy) affirmed, “I have already underlying sentiment that could be extracted from the fol- made up my mind,” referring to her decision to stand for the lowing statements. affair. “I got the courage because I love him [lover],” another one (Meg) asserted, . . . my children understand and accept my situation because they know that their father is the reason why I do this. (Sweet . . . this one, I really feel that he loves me. He does everything Girl) just to see me. He helps me find food for my kids when I am having the hard time. He really takes care of me. His protection My boyfriend knows my circumstances and still accepts me. He and his concern for me and my children are really appreciable knows what I have endured from my despicable husband. . . . my youngest even calls him father. (Sweet Girl) (Fighter) I am really happy when I’m with him [lover] because he cares Table 2 summarizes the positively perceived quality for me. When I’m sick he would cook for me and assist me and within the extramarital and alternative familial relationship feed me. I did not experience all these from my husband. I have as the perpetuating factor of the EMR. The lover in this case endured a lot of pain with him [husband]. This one helps me do things like gardening . . . he took me home, his home. I don’t is the point of reference. When compared with the life with care if he [husband] finds out. I have already made up my mind. the husband, if not all, some of the needs are fulfilled in the (Happy) EMR as reflected in the expressions of the participants. Ms. X in particular got a child with her lover, thus satisfying her When they entered the affair, another set of expectations need to be a biological mother. The alternative familial rela- were put forward, that is, be protected, cared for, adored, and tionship for Sweet Girl provided the care and security for her loved, and needs be fulfilled—including the children’s. After children that even the youngest calls the lover tatay or father. a given period of trial, majority if not all of the familial and This relationship becomes alternative because this in some marital needs are fulfilled. The comparison between life with way compensates the familial needs, which are deficient or husband and life with the other man favored the latter. lacking within the original family life. Marital needs, which 10 SAGE Open are the primary factors, are reassured in the EMR. “I am given the abusive atmosphere of the women’s marital life of happy with him [lover]” is the usual confirmation of the which these lovers are fully aware, it may have something to women. “I have already found someone who loves and do with the “male protective instinct” or the “knight in shin- accepts me for real,” the physically abused Fighter revealed. ing armor” complex. Or it may confirm the connoted passive This exemplifies the perceived discovery of new love or waiting attitude of the Filipino woman. If it is the women, comparatively real love that encompasses the expressions of there might be this novel implication of a contemporary these women. They found it and hold unto it as long as it Filipino actively seeking her “happiness” amid the constraints lasts. of the society, that is, the double-standard morality and machismo ethics of men to be the motivators of romantic or sexual relationships.. Given this courage of the woman, pre- Conclusion disposing factors could now also be challenged, such as the Even if there were any good things at all in the marital life, family background or “it is in the blood” concept and even these were already clouded by the perceived undesirable her past relationships, age, and physiological changes. experiences. All that came out were negative reports against Influences of the social milieu such as the media, friends, the husbands and positive things about the lovers as these are family, and even their own children could also be taken as explained by the triggering and perpetuating factors, respec- variables. tively. The triggering factors focused on the husband–father while the perpetuating factors inclined favorably on the Acknowledgments lover. We would like to thank Mitzi Gaile Lopez, Ria Maureen Briones, As implied previously, the part of the women in the mari- and Sheryl Lagrada, who helped us in the gathering of data for this tal relationship was not evaluated as they focused on assess- research specifically in the series of interviews we conducted. Also, ing their husbands’ role instead of weighing the entire we are grateful to Lorizza Mae C. Posadas and Dr. Patrick Regoniel for the constructive criticisms that significantly improved the read- situation of the married life before EMR. Although not con- ability of this article. With their valuable support, we were able to firmed, there is the possibility that these women gave socially accomplish the objectives of this study efficiently. acceptable or biased answers to justify their acts so much that they set aside the possibility of their contributions on the failure of the marital and familial relationships even before Declaration of Conflicting Interests the affair. Allen et al. (2008) pointed out that relationship The author(s) declared no potential conflicts of interest with respect quality is actually a product of the contributions of the hus- to the research, authorship, and/or publication of this article. band and wife. Realizing this could have helped these women come up with a full perspective of what really happened in Funding the relationship and might have equipped them with strate- The author(s) received no financial support for the research and/or gies in salvaging whatever is left. Thus, it is interesting to authorship of this article. also explore the woman’s contribution on the marital–famil- ial relationship context, particularly how she perceives her References contribution. This is also additional information that would Aguilar, D. (1989). Social construction of a Filipino woman. be useful for counselors of family crisis management. International Journal of Intercultural Relations, 13, 527-551. Nevertheless, the women’s reports, ceteris paribus, con- doi:10.1016/0147-1767(89)90027-8 firmed some studies, that is, that contrary to the old common Ahlburg, D. A., Jensen, E. R., & Perez, A. E. (1997). Determinants belief, love and esteem needs are claimed to be the stronger of extramarital sex in the Philippines. Health Transition contributing factors than sexual dissatisfaction, and women Review, 7(Suppl. 1), 467-479. who started going outside the home have wide opportunities Allen, E. S., Atkins, D. C., Baucom, D. H., Snyder, D. K., Gordon, for EMR. 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Estranged Wife, Other Man’s Beloved: Perspectives of Filipino Women Involved in Extramarital Relationships

SAGE Open , Volume 5 (1): 1 – Jan 13, 2015

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Abstract

Amid societal constraints, difficult repercussions, and double-standard morality on sexuality that favors the male members of their society, eight Filipino women engaged in extramarital affairs. To answer the question “Why did they commit and endure the affair?” a phenomenological life-world approach explored their perspectives regarding the triggering and perpetuating factors of their extramarital relationships (EMR). The analysis revealed their standpoints that negatively perceived marital relationship quality, paternal neglect of children, increasing opportunities for EMR, that is, workplace and mobile technology, and positively perceived extramarital–alternative familial relationship quality emerged as the women’s reasons behind the decision to engage and endure in the affair. Keywords extramarital affair, infidelity, Filipino women, family, marriage, cheating Despite the prevailing double-standard morality in sexuality De Stefano & Oala, 2008). For the Filipino woman in par- (Jankowiak, Nell, & Buckmaster, 2002; Mulder, 1990-1991), ticular, her society constructed female sexuality within the a norm that upholds women to be chaste, monogamous, and bounds of marriage and the standards of marianismo, that is, sexually passive and exclusive (Dias, Machado, & Gonçalves, she is expected to be self-restraining and serving as “moral 2012; Rodriguez, 1990) and puts up with men being polyga- mother” who ought to be a model of chastity and a forgiving mous as they succumb to the influence of machismo culture martyr in case of husband infidelity (Aguilar, 1989; Estrada- (T. Gonzales, 2003; Leyson, 2004-2006) within an allegedly Claudio, 1990-1991; Mulder, 1990-1991). Venturing out of male-dominated society, some Filipino women of today are this social construction would dishonor her and expose her to now openly taking on the risk of an extramarital relationship societal contempt and domestic violence, and would even (EMR). The downside of this double standard is that criminalize her act as adultery (Leyson, 2004-2006). In one machismo tolerates male EMR while marianismo condemns of the cases of this study, the woman’s husband physically female EMR. In machismo, a real macho’s appeal is derived abused her due to jealousy and intensified upon learning from his ability to conquer women, whereas in marianismo, about her affair. She and her lover were even incarcerated for a woman’s worth is based on the ideals of the Catholic’s adultery. Virgin Mary, that is, self-sacrificing moral mother, long- For a woman who engages, the affair becomes an open suffering martyr, and submissive wife (Englander, Yáñez, & secret to her social milieu wherein sometimes it is just the Barney, 2012; Roces, 2009). husband who remains unaware of the affair. In the eight Also called as marital infidelity, EMR could be catego- cases studied here, only two husbands have no direct knowl- rized as emotional, sexual, or a combination of both (Allen edge of the situation. This and other studies show that women et al., 2008; Banfield & McCabe, 2001; Fisher, Voracek, in EMR are no longer new. The numbers filling out some Rekkas, & Cox, 2008). Sexual infidelity involves purely statistical tables about female infidelity are foreboding. sexual intercourse whereas emotional infidelity does not Some studies conducted from 1948 to 1992 assessed women require sexual relationship but develops a strong emotional extramarital affairs to be around 20% to 50% (Buss & bond with the person other than the spouse (Thornton & Nagurney, 2011; Zare, 2011). It is considered as infidelity Palawan State University, Puerto Princesa, Philippines because within marriage, emotional bond and sexual rela- Corresponding Author: tionships are expected and agreed to be exclusive between Jemimah Gaite Pizarro, Department of Behavioral Sciences, College husband and wife (Thornton & Nagurney, 2011). This is of Arts and Humanities, Palawan State University, Tiniguiban Heights, risky for a woman who faces more sanctions when it comes Tiniguiban, Puerto Princesa City 5300, Philippines. to sexuality than her male counterpart (Crooks & Baur, 2008; Email: jempizarro@gmail.com This article is distributed under the terms of the Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 License Creative Commons CC BY: (http://www.creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/) which permits any use, reproduction and distribution of the work without further permission provided the original work is attributed as specified on the SAGE and Open Access page (http://www.uk.sagepub.com/aboutus/openaccess.htm). 2 SAGE Open Shackelford, 1997). Recently, some estimates claim that at done for cross-references and delimitations rather than for most 55% of married women engaged in extramarital sex designing a primary theoretical framework that follows the whether a one-night stand or an enduring one (Atwood & data fitting process. Thus, with this goal in mind, it was nec- Schwartz, 2002). essary for the inquiry to start off with an exploratory The society has had enough of the problems from philan- approach. The data were categorized inductively to answer dering. What more to expect from women doing the same? the research question. Apart from sexually transmitted diseases, there is the possi- Keeping in mind that EMR is no longer a particular mas- bility of increase in domestic violence as husbands tend be culinist domain (David, 2001), we would like to present the violent in reaction to wife’s infidelity (Buss & Shackelford, different Filipino women’s experiences in braving this ven- 1997; Jankowiak et al., 2002). Also, one likely direct effect is ture amid constraints and complicated consequences. The a broken home. That is because EMR has been a primary use of the concept of bravery is never connotative of noble- cause of marital dissolution (De Stefano & Oala, 2008; ness. Rather, it is tantamount to courage, a denotation of Leyson, 2004-2006). One cross-cultural review reveals that which is a mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, infidelity became the most typical cause of marital break-up and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty in a particular situa- (see Whisman, Gordon, & Chatav, 2007). Another study tion. In a nutshell, the concept of courage provides an imme- even showed that if the offending partner is the female, mar- diate and initial description of the Filipino woman’s riage is more likely to collapse than if it is the male (Zola, disposition in her involvement in EMR in spite of its nega- 2007). It might be because the husband tends to be less for- tive effects to her family and to her as a woman, whose wom- giving of the wife’s infidelity (T. Gonzales, 2003), and the anhood and sexuality are defined within the double-standard wife is less willing to resolve the marital conflict if she has morality of the only predominantly Christianized society in already developed emotional bond with the lover (Allen Southeast Asia (Austria, 2004; Roces, 2009). With the pri- et al., 2008). mary objective of understanding the psyche of the women It is indeed high time that the female infidelity issue, par- engaged, this study began exploring one aspect of this expe- ticularly in the local setting, be recognized as an immediate rience—the factors in the decision to engage in EMR. Thus, concern for research. As there is a dearth of relevant local- the woman’s answers to the question of why she committed ized studies regarding this psychosocial issue (Leyson, 2004- and endured the act would hopefully emerge the real “lived 2006), the only established theories available are those experience” that would clarify some preconceptions. generated from the outside (see Allen et al., 2005; Blow & Hartnett, 2005). The very few particularized researches are Dynamics of Factors in Literature primarily focused on Filipino husbands as the offending party and wives as the offended side, but there are almost no What are her factors in engaging the EMR? In every phe- inquiries centered on Filipino women engaged in EMR (see nomenon, factors could be categorized into three basic Ahlburg, Jensen, & Perez, 1997). In most relevant infidelity dynamics, that is, predisposing, triggering, and perpetuating studies, the samples used were restricted to middle-to-upper- factors. A comprehensive review done by Allen et al. (2005) class and Caucasian participants (Blow & Hartnett, 2005). A emerged six factors that reflect the stages of extramarital theory generated from a less diverse sample may also be lim- involvement, that is, predisposing, approach, precipitating, ited and therefore may not be enough to further understand maintenance, discovery or disclosure, and response. These the EMR experiences of the lower class Filipino women. defined factors that are along the dimensions of the individ- Blow and Hartnett (2005) suggested the use of diverse sam- ual (offending party and the offended), marital relationship, ples to enrich meanings of data gathered across cultures. This and external context (extramarital partner and relationship, particular study about Filipino women EMR may contribute workplace, peer, and culture) thoroughly illustrate the devel- to this diversity. This is a confirmation of the paradigm shifts opment of the EMR from pre to post involvement. This in Philippine Social Science research that encourage the use study, however, does not present the process but is delimited of indigenization, localization, and particularization in in categorizing and putting forward the answers of the par- approaching unique to collective experiences particularly ticipants to the main question mentioned earlier. those of socio-cultural significance (Banzon-Bautista, 1995; A. Gonzales, 1990; Miralao, 1999). This supports the induc- Predisposing Factors tive emergence of theories in meeting halfway the process of theoretical deduction in qualitative research (see Denzin & This study defines predisposing factors as those tendencies Lincoln, 1998; Patton, 2002). In this emergent design, the of the individual to commit the act during or even before goal is to generate categories and concepts through the marriage. These factors are focused on the involved individ- description and analysis of the underlying meanings con- ual level. According to some studies, one of these precursors structed by the participants and not to tie the data on any could be personality, that is, insecure attachment style preexisting theory (Creswell, 2007; Dawson, 2007; Flick, (Tsapelas, Fisher, & Aron, 2010), low self-esteem (Træen, Kardorff, & Steinke, 2004). Reviews of related studies were Holmen, & Stigum, 2007), low conscientiousness, high Pizarro and Gaspay-Fernandez 3 narcissism, high psychoticism (Buss & Shackelford, 1997), & Nock, 2006) and other needs and expectations (Meston & neuroticism (Whisman et al., 2007), low agreeableness Buss, 2007). In view of the deficit love model (Tsapelas (Zare, 2011), and sexual compulsivity (Smith, 2011). For the et al., 2010), women in EMR claim general marital dissatis- bio-evolutionary paradigm, Cherkas, Oelsner, Mak, Valdes, faction rather than purely sexual dissatisfaction as the pri- and Spector (2004) claimed that having it in the family blood mary reason for the involvement (Allen et al., 2008). Thus, increases susceptibility as female infidelity is hereditable. women’s extra-dyadic affairs are usually reported to be more While Buss and Shackelford (1997) maintained that most emotional than sexual (Fisher et al., 2008). Women in EMR demographic characteristics are insufficient predictors of give more weight in intimacy and attachment problems in the EMR, Crooks and Baur (2008) and Chernozhukov and Hong marital life as reasons to engage (De Stefano & Oala, 2008). (2002) presented that age matters such that the younger the Also, in the reason of the women in committing infidelity, individual the more is the tendency to engage. Atkins, relationship context is more of an influencing factor than Baucom, and Jacobson (2001) revealed that high educational demographic predispositions like age and educational level level increases likelihood of committing infidelity. Premarital (Mark, Janssen, & Milhausen, 2011) . In utility assessment, context too is influential such that cohabitation (Smith, length of marriage is also a factor that is inversely correlated 2011), a history of extra-dyadic affair, and high premarital with marriage satisfaction (Fair, 1978). Moreover, Buss and interest in sex would increase tendency to extramarital sex if Shackelford (1997) cited the 1977 study of Glass and Wright, marital sex satisfaction decreases (Allen et al., 2008). The which claimed that a lot of women in EMR are those who study of Allen et al. (2008) also linked poor mental health, experience marital dissatisfaction later in marriage life. low religiosity, and low relationship adjustment ability to While for other needs and expectations, infertility of the infidelity susceptibility. spouse is a motivating factor (Smith, 2011), and a study done by Zhang, Parish, Huang, and Pan (2012) in China reveals that a comparatively low income of the husband is correlated Triggering Factors with wife infidelity. Also, the affair could be considered as an In the review of Allen et al. (2005), triggering factors encom- alternative investment that would provide resources, that is, pass the beginning of actual engagement, whereas in this economic, physical, and emotional for the woman if the hus- study, they are defined as situational within the marriage life band is becoming less amenable and accessible. The hus- and encompass what goes on inside marital and familial rela- band’s infidelity is one situation that puts the marital–familial tionships before the EMR as well as opportunities conducive relationship in danger of paternal investment withdrawal that for the event to be actualized. The bulk of similar studies encourages the woman as a mother to look for alternatives focused more on the couple relationship and opportunities (Fisher et al., 2008). Furthermore, some affairs are attempts and less to almost none on the familial relationship (see Allen to elicit the partner’s jealousy for self-worth affirmation et al., 2005; Drigotas & Barta, 2012). In a collectivist culture (Crooks & Baur, 2008) while others are retaliatory in case of like the Philippines, the family is a significant influence in the partner’s misdemeanor (Zare, 2011). decision making. Consequently, in this research, family emerged as a factor. Perpetuating Factors Independence, whether emotional or economical, is also an influencing factor in the decision for engagement Perpetuating factors endure the phenomenon and are appar- (Drigotas & Barta, 2012). Aside from women entering the ent in long-term EMR. There are some studies that present world of work (Atkins, Eldridge, Baucom, & Christensen, that the extramarital partner may prolong the EMR even if 2005; Drigotas & Barta, 2012), Weeks, in an interview con- the woman decides to stop through threats of disclosure par- ducted by Smith (2011), argued that the introduction of ticularly if the spouse is unaware of the affair (Allen et al., mobile and digital technology created more opportunities for 2005). In this research, however, there are no similar claims EMR. Also, the mass media with its bombardment of sub- from the women. Thus, the factors that emerged rely heavily liminal to intentional messages about liberal sexuality, mis- on the result of comparison between the married life and represented and misinterpreted gender role changes, and extramarital life. A comparison between husband and lover equality and romanticized affairs is preparing a society that by the woman, which inclines favorably on the lover’s side, is more conducive to extra-dyadic affairs (Leyson, perpetuates the affair such that when she already developed 2004-2006). emotional connection with the alternative partner, she is less In most of the relevant researches gathered, marital rela- willing to rescue the marital relationship (Allen et al., 2008). tionship quality is the primary triggering factor, while studies In view of the equity restoration mechanism model (Walster, about the factors of familial relationship quality in EMR that Traupmann, & Walster, 1978), the alternative relationship involves the role of children and parenting work are almost may compensate whatever is lacking in the under-benefited unavailable. Marital quality encompasses the sexual satisfac- marital relationship. That is, the alternative relationship is tion sub-factor and emotional relationship sub-factor, that is, able to provide the needs and expectations not met in the love, commitment, expression, or “emotion work” (Wilcox marital context, more so if it is able to guarantee the familial 4 SAGE Open Table 1. Demographic Profile of the Participants. Participant (P) Fighter Diane Vilma Ms. X Happy Meg Barbie Sweet Girl Age during interview 50 42 38 35 53 38 32 49 Age married 18 30 17 28 17 27 19 25 Age upon engagement in EMR 29 37 36 33 48 33 32 46 No. of years married before EMR 11 7 19 5 31 6 13 21 P’s occupation Teacher Guest relations Cook Vendor Retail store Public None Massage officer owner servant therapist Age of spouse during interview 54 54 47 Deceased at Deceased at 33 32 53 age 65 age 81 Spouse’s occupation Marine None House Deceased Deceased Tricycle Bill Carpenter caretaker driver collector If spouse is aware of P’s EMR Yes Yes No Yes Yes Yes No Yes Lover’s age during interview 43 54/66 38 50 52 38 29 60 If lover is aware of P’s marital status Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Lover’s civil status during interview Single Married Single Widower Married Married Single Married Note. EMR = extramarital relationships. requirements of a biologically predisposed “nest-defending Philippines. The challenging search for potential participants human female” (Pease & Pease, 2001, p. 231). was done through the use of an indigenous method known as There are further individual observations regarding the patanung-tanong (asking around). Fifteen women were factors. For one, Langley (2005) claimed that her partici- identified, but only eight of them confirmed the willingness pants reported the feeling of something missing in the mari- to be interviewed. Patanung-tanong (tanong is a Filipino tal relationship. She considers this as the critical first stage translation of the word “question” or “inquiry”) is an infor- when EMR is about to be created (Langley, 2005). Lusterman mal but discreet way of locating key informants who would (1998), however, pointed out the critical role of the family in be willing to recommend potential participants for the establishing the pattern of EMR practices from parents to research. The element of trust and researcher credibility in children, a predisposing factor. this method is critical, and thus, locating the participants was This study, however, does not attempt to look at the pre- done through the help of these informants who personally disposing factors as this would require a more in-depth and know the women involved in EMR. They served as the longitudinal case study (Allen et al., 2008) that uses other bridge that played key roles in inviting and convincing the sources aside from interview. The main framework is the set participants to take part in the interview and for establishing of triggering factors and the perpetuating factors along the rapport before the interview process. Rapport building standpoint of the women engaged. The immediate subjective included the introduction of the topic of the interview, sig- perspectives of these women about their own “action-design” nificance of the study, importance of their stories, and the (Flick et al., 2004, p. 68) are put on the surface for analysis informed consent that assured the recognition of their rights with the hope that this would be an additional help in address- and the confidentiality of their participation. Even before the ing the issue in concern. interview, the participants readily admitted their involve- ment in the EMR. It was found out during the interview that their willingness to participate was brought about by their Method desire to air out their sentiments and be listened to by some- As the study is a phenomenological life-world analysis that one whom they believed would understand their situation. encompasses the subjectively constructed nature and essence The interview setting was exclusive between the participant of the lived experience, the emphasis of analysis was on the and the researcher as interviewer; two interviews (with the perceptions of the participants as comprising the only real participants whose EMR status during the interview was still world built on the “realm of immediate evidence” (Flick “trysting” with their extramarital partner) were conducted et al., 2004, p. 67). The primary collection of data was the outside the home, while the rest were done within the privacy interviewers’ written notes directly from the answers of the of their home. participants. There were only four audio records of the four The qualified participant was living with the husband and participants because the rest of them refused an audio. We considered herself legally married to him (this is included as used the eight sets of transcriptions from the written records one respondent’s marriage was actually void beyond her of the interview. knowledge and realized only later during the affair) when the The researchers did a one-shot semi-structured interview decision to engage in EMR was realized. The demographic that lasted for about 2 to 3 hr for each of the eight cases, all profiles of the participants are presented in tabular form (see of which are from Palawan, an immigrant province in the Table 1). Pizarro and Gaspay-Fernandez 5 The series of guide questions with 23 items in Filipino EMR quality and alternative familial relationship quality language was organized in such a way that would check the emerged as sub-factors. The third stage allowed the inter- consistency of the answer while maintaining the required course of the factors and sub-factors to explore any appar- conversational design, flexibility, and fluidity of qualitative ent relationship. The comparison of the factors revealed the interviewing (see Mason, 2002). For example, we started the juxtaposition of the sub-factors marital and familial rela- conversation with the question “Kumusta na kayo ng boy- tionship quality under the woman’s negative evaluation. friend mo ngayon? [How is your relationship with your boy- Further interaction of the sub-factors resulted to the con- friend at present?],” which could be rephrased as “Kumusta trast of the primary themes as marital–familial is perceived si (code name of lover) bilang boyfriend? [How is (code as negative as opposed to the positively evaluated extra- name of lover) as a boyfriend?]” and could be asked again marital–alternative familial relationship quality (see Table later to check consistency. “Rather than to just retrieve a 2). Pseudonyms are used to protect the identity of the par- series of answers from a predetermined set of responses,” the ticipants. The frequency of indications of the themes or fac- goal of the interview was to engage the participants in a con- tors is also noted. Profiles are added for support if the versation for full disclosure of their perspectives regarding interpretation would need the background information of their lived experiences of EMR (Gerson & Horowitz, 2002, the participants. p. 210, emphasis added). A pilot interview with a woman The result of this exploratory study is true only to the par- who engaged in EMR after a 3-month separation from the ticipants and should not be used for external generalization husband was conducted to test this. The validity of their (see Dawson, 2007). The purpose is to extract the underlying claims, however, was no longer tested. That is, if there are meanings along the expressions of the participants that socially acceptable answers, it could not be ascertained if would represent the perspectives, as suggested by Creswell they provided them for the reason of social acceptability or (2007), of the women engaged in EMR. for truthfulness. For an initial exploration, their consistent verbal expressions that considerably reflected their present Discussion of Results sentiments and perspectives would be enough. Qualitative approach does not impose the process of data When asked about the condition of marital bond, particularly fitting on static preconceived categories (Flick et al., 2004; the relationship of the husband to his wife before the EMR, Gerson & Horowitz, 2002). The process of inductive analy- the women readily gave negative assessments. The marital sis should form new concepts generated from the subthemes context before EMR was negatively evaluated, for example, from the data. Thus, in using the principles in qualitative “empty relationship” (Barbie) and “already hurting each research of Creswell (2007), Denzin and Lincoln (2005), and other” (Diane). Their claims as shown by the following ver- Patton (2002) as guide in thematic analysis, which suggests batim expressions are pointing to their husbands as the ones that themes and categories are emergent, the preliminary to be blamed in their “not good” (Happy) or “difficult” guiding framework is delimited to the basic dynamics of trig- (Sweet Girl) situation cradled by unresolved conflicts, gering and perpetuating factors of EMR. abuses, and economic insecurities. The wounded sentiments The analytical strategy followed three stages. First, the caused by their husbands’ uncaring attitudes and inabilities data gathered, transcribed, and coded are categorized under could already be extracted here. the pre-arranged primary themes, that is, triggering factors and perpetuating factors. These primary themes were cre- . . . no more love. It was all gone . . . We used to be happy and ated in response to literature and pre-assumptions, that is, sweet. We were open with each other. But then it was all gone predisposing factors would not be readily available from a when I learned about his illegitimate child . . . It became an one-shot interview, and so they were not explored, while empty relationship that it was like we were just living together for the sake of the children. Not easy, right (Barbie)? triggering factors are presumed to be situational within the marital relationship before the EMR and perpetuating fac- We would always fight over finances. We could not reconcile tors are assumed to be enduring within the EMR. A series of things. (Vilma) re-reading and re-interpretation was used to establish the proper codes. The second stage allowed the interplay of the We were already hurting each other. There were times when he coded data and the pre-arranged themes. In this stage, sub- would pour down freezing water on me. Once, I ran to my themes emerged. The categorized data on the triggering friend’s house without slippers just to escape away from him. factors were put into subthemes of unmet needs and expec- Life was hard that we’re eating only two square meals a day. He tations within marital and familial relationships, and oppor- would even choose his friends over us, his family. (Diane) tunities. It is interesting to note that apart from opportunities and marital relationship, familial relationship quality It was difficult like he did not care about me, he was always emerged as another sub-factor. This sub-factor is themed as working, he was always boozy and was not providing money the significance of children, which is given less attention in that I had to find ways to get food for my children. I did laundry some EMR literatures. Under the perpetuating factors, and massage services for money . . .. (Sweet Girl) 6 SAGE Open Table 2. Summary of Factors. Triggering factors Perpetuating factors Negatively perceived relationship quality (husband as the pivot) Positively perceived relationship quality (lover as the pivot) Alternative familial Participant Marital relationship Familial relationship Opened opportunities EMR relationship Fighter Physical abuse (recurring); Lack of respect, love for kids Change of workplace where Perpetuating harassment of the Cares for children infidelity (concubinage) or family; selfish; finances she met the lover husband; firm resolve to stand up provided not enough; for it; assurance from lover that oppressive atmosphere he will fight for her; needs and expectations are met Diane Physical and sexual abuse; Finances provided not enough Change of work situation Excitement and affection of lover Has a child from the infidelity (2 meals a day); does not (met lover when starts lover whom he prioritize family; lack of working at night) supports perpetuates affection (dines on his own) the EMR Vilma Lack of affection and Does not prioritize family; SMS communication Lover meets expectations and appreciation (never once conflicts on finances (textmate) emotional needs; love for husband dated after marriage; does not faded; affection and care celebrate birthdays) Ms. X Lack of respect, trust, honesty Unresolved conflicts (money, Workplace and SMS Loves the lover more than the Has child with the especially on finances; age gap little things like watching TV husband; met some expectations in lover and etc.); wanted to have EMR; knows the lover more than children the husband Happy Infidelity; physical and Lack of care and respect for the Has a retail store where EMR provided an outlet and met Cares and accept her sexual abuse; not ready to family; hurts the kids; finances lover was a constant her needs; boosted her self- children communicate provided not enough customer esteem; love; cares and concerns, hardworking; lover values her; firm decision Meg Physical abuse; infidelity; sexual Conflicts on finances and Peer influence in the Love faded; loves the lover more than dissatisfaction alcoholism workplace husband Barbie Infidelity; no healthy No longer has time and affection SMS (textmate) Unresolved conflicts with husband Lover provides communication; lack of love, for kids; kids are hurt with the and no open communication; economic help respect and faithfulness; no conflicts at home; conflicts on emotional hurt of husband’s longer recognizes role in finances infidelity not alleviated due to budgeting as such anger; new found excitement in EMR; found happiness Sweet girl Conflicts on husband’s Lack of assurance of love, care, Change of milieu and met Lover cares and protects her; Cares and provides for accusations; no open healthy and affection for her and the friend turned lover; at first, compensated the needs and her kids (youngest communication; disregard her kids; does not provide enough lover was an opportunity expectations not met by husband; even calls lover importance at home; lack of finances to rebel against husband’s found someone she loves father) respect for her as a woman; indifference indifferent husband Note. EMR = extramarital relationships; SMS = short messaging system. Not good. He took me for granted. He didn’t care. He was not perfectly at least be comfortably sexually satisfied, be forcing me to have sex with him. He said he would hurt our kids valued as an individual, and understandably, be adored. The if I refuse. He beat them terribly . . .. (Happy) relevant studies regarding the needs of married women revolve around these expectations (Crooks & Baur, 2008). If Even in weighing the quality of familial relationship, the these needs and expectations are not achieved, then she will point of reference is the ability of the husband to provide as be tempted to find the fulfillment of these requirements out- a partner parent. Economic provisions are expected to be the side marriage when an alternative relationship becomes husband’s primary responsibility. The statements above available. This is in line with the investment model approach show that in this role, the husband is perceived to be ineffi- that discusses relationship commitment as a factor that influ- cient. More to this, in Happy’s case, the husband was physi- ences involvement in extra-dyadic relationships and where cally abusive of the children. The husband then as the marital relationship satisfaction serves as a force that determines the partner and father of her children became the pivotal spring- level of commitment (Drigotas & Barta, 2012). This study board of her perceived triggering factors in engaging the did not measure the level of commitment before EMR. affair (see Table 2). Nevertheless, the expressions of the participants reveal that the negative evaluation on marital relationship is tantamount to low satisfaction, a function of which is the fulfillment of Marital Needs and Expectations: Primary Factors the needs and expectations. in Marital Relationship Quality In this study, the marital needs, which refer to those neces- sities of the woman as a wife, encompass sexual satisfaction; Upon entering a life-altering married life, she has with her a love needs that summarize intimacy, care, trust, and affection; set of expectations, that is, be taken care of, be provided, if Pizarro and Gaspay-Fernandez 7 husband’s fidelity; and individual demands referring to free- characterized by husband’s infidelity. What is more surpris- dom and esteem needs. This is manifested along the women’s ing is that only two women (Barbie and Meg) openly speci- answers (shown below) when asked about their needs and fied husband’s infidelity as a conducing factor. Even Fighter expectations. These marital needs, which are weighing more who pointed out fidelity as a requirement expressed that on the love and individual demands, become the primary fac- what hurts her more is the husband’s inability to meet her tors in evaluating the marital relationship quality for these love needs and welfare of her children than his betrayal. It women as they are highly indicated. might be poverty and the forgiving culture when it comes to men cheating which push fidelity a little into the sidelines Be taken care of, love, and faithfulness of course. A spouse who and emphasize the importance of love needs, individual cares to understand me and my children’s needs. Be treated with demands, and familial requirements. Although nobody dignity . . . even love and respect he could not give. I should directly claimed poverty as a contributing factor, expressions have freedom in doing things. At least show his love to our kids. such as “We’re eating only 2 square meals a day” (Diane) No he doesn’t. He is selfish he disregards his family . . . (Fighter) and “He does not take home money . . . I still need to work on my own . . . as a laundry woman . . . so my kids could eat” There shouldn’t be secrets . . . He seems a stranger to me that there (Sweet Girl) imply an economically poor situation. are lots of things about his past that I don’t know. (Ms. X) First, our In every relationship, open communication is a must to household needs, our finances that he should provide since he’s the ensure the life of the bond (Allen et al., 2008). When a spouse one working, right? Sex is not that much important. I don’t crave sees an opportunity for healthy communication within the much, that occasionally would be enough. And of course I should relationship, she may view this as a bridge for the realization know, that a man should treat a woman nicely. (Meg) of her marital expectations. Three of the women (Happy, For me, I do not need much sex. He has to provide our economic Barbie, and Sweet Girl), however, reported that this prereq- needs so my children could live a good life. (Diane) uisite is absent exacerbating further the conflicts and differences. It could have been better if he gives at least 100 Php or 150 Php [roughly US$2-US$4] that I could stretch out for a day instead of It’s exhausting to talk with him . . . we could not tackle the me finding money outside. I really feel like he does not love me. problem because when I try to open up he raises his voice. He He had his first wife from an invalid marriage who left him. It shouts a lot . . . he doesn’t care. He’s selfish. (Sweet Girl) feels like I have his body but he left his heart in his first family. I really wish that he loves us also, that he provides our economic Honestly, there is no way that we could settle things because he needs. I wish that sometimes he would be more affectionate just doesn’t know how to listen. He always talks perversely. instead of going home drunk and cold. (Sweet Girl, emphasis Even in realizing his mistakes, he shouts and leaves me. Let’s added) say when I tell him that I’m having a hard time working, he retorts “and so just go on working, why don’t you?” He’s Citing Sweet Girl’s case, it is revealed that just to check unreasonable. It’s hard to converse with him. So we just do not talk, not even planning to . . .. (Happy) on her worth as a wife, her first attempt of extramarital sex was intentional to test her husband’s indifference. These conflicts are usually about the husband’s betrayal, Unfortunately, it did prove her unloved wife status. Although physical abuse, and in majority of the cases, finances. still a necessity as specified by two of the women, sex is Physical abuse such as hitting, pouring on freezing water, perceived to be “not much” (Diane, Meg) of a need. Only and rape is characteristically accompanied by the husband’s one (Meg) indirectly claimed sexual dissatisfaction within infidelity. This confirms some studies that reveal that the marital relationship, which, however, was not pointed out as likelihood of spousal abuse increases if the husband has a conducing factor. This confirms some studies claiming that extramarital affairs (e.g., McCloskey, Williams, & Larsen, this marital requirement is often not the driving force in 2005; Stieglitz, Gurven, Kaplan, & Winking, 2012). Although cheating (e.g., Allen et al., 2008; Fisher et al., 2008; De this finding is not explored in this study, this could be rele- Stefano & Oala, 2008) as claimed by Sweet Girl below: vant if analyzed further. Not only does physical violence not It’s exasperating that others think that I just need it [sex]. It’s not fulfill the love need, but it also betrays it and violates the about it [sex]. I just need to be appreciated, to be taken care of. individual rights of the woman, thus manifesting in the worst My neighbors would insist that I’m wanting and that I’m starved scenario of unmet marital needs and expectations. of [sex] . . . they know nothing . . .. (Sweet Girl) Significance of Children: A Crucial Factor in Despite the double-standard view the Philippine society Familial Relationship Quality has on marital relationship, two women (Barbie and Fighter) implied that the husband’s fidelity is still a requirement. Albeit not directly asked about the quality of family life, Nevertheless, most of the husbands are perceived to be cheat- which encompasses the relationship of the father to his chil- ers as six out of the eight cases of marital relationships are dren and parent to parent interaction, the expressions 8 SAGE Open throughout the interview provide enough information that factor when a very tempting offer came along the way. We reveals a negative evaluation. For one, as can be extracted could see this along the statements below: from the quoted statements of the participants, even if it is He [lover] helped me find food for my kids during difficult just the marital relationship that is being inquired about, the times . . . his worries about me and my kids are really appreciable. answers almost always connect to the family center—the (Sweet Girl) children and their unmet needs, that is, economic and psy- chological. Fighter, for example, lamented, “He hits me even At least I know this widower . . . He has kids . . . I know his past. in front of the kids.” Emphasizing on “even in front of the (As Ms. X had contemplated the possibility of bearing a child kids” implies the lack of consideration of the father for his with boyfriend) children’s emotional well-being. Another one, Happy, described how her husband would carelessly take his mis- tress home, and as she put it, EMR Opportunities: Necessary Factors They eat and laugh while I and my children stay here inside the Given the unmet needs and expectations mentioned, what to bedroom . . . not even a knock to check if we have already dined do when very seductive and appealing opportunities show or not. themselves? The women reported that with twice thinking, they still pursued them anyway. She added the following: “Maybe this man could fulfill what my husband could not,” Diane said when asked about the reason for the deci- What particularly hurts me more is that he beats my children . . . sion to pursue the affair upon realizing the other man’s offer. The offer came when she started working at night and had While for Barbie, the opportunity to widen her milieu and met her lover. The lover then was given the opportunity to show what he could For me, he has to give his love again, his respect for me as his fulfill. In Diane’s case as well as in the other seven cases, wife. He no longer shows them. He has to give back the old me, opportunities to actualize the affair were necessary factors. the wife who used to have the rights, like in household finances Thus, even if the unmet needs and expectations are perceived he no longer recognizes my role in budgeting. He has to regard to be enough reasons to find someone else, if there are no my children with his love and time. Even that he could no longer opportunities, the relationship could never be realized as in provide. (Barbie) the case of Meg. It is shown here that for the woman, marital is intertwined In my case, it was unexpected because of the bantering. We were with the familial. She does not separate the two relationships always together wherever we go. Because he [lover] is really such that when asked about her needs and expectations as a friendly and warm. Well, without those encounters, I won’t wife, the needs of her children and the need for a child, as cheat on him [husband]. (Meg) indirectly implied by one woman, are included. Ms. X admit- ted that the desire to have her own child was one of the con- We were just texting (SMS) at first. It never crossed my mind ducing factors that pushed her toward EMR. that there would be someone who would be interested since I already have kids . . . it was exciting to have a textmate. It Yes, I’m fed up . . . It’s just so tiring. I thought he could not give eventually developed into this. (Barbie) me a child since the problem is on him [husband]. I really want to confirm that I don’t have reproductive problems. I want to It started through texting. He was sending messages and I still have my own child. (Ms. X) didn’t know him personally. I told my husband about it and he told me to just delete the number. But I was fascinated by his Also, the economic security or finances are the familial messages and it led into regular exchange of messages and then needs directed toward the children, being the family center. I challenged him to meet me . . .. (Vilma) That is, when she talks about the family and finances, it is implicitly about the children’s well-being. Pittman (1990) talked about the changing pattern of infi- Included in the stated needs of the women are the finan- delity and pointed out the increasing opportunities for cial and family commitments of the husband. These commit- spouses to encounter more people outside the marriage life. ments are not fulfilled as the needs and expectations are In the eight cases of this study, these opportunities became incongruent with the reported quality of familial relation- apparent when they started venturing the outside of the mari- ships. Every case has a problem on finances of which the tal fence. Four of them met their lovers at work. A sort of father is considered by the women as the primary provider. peer teasing provoked one to try the excitement of the expe- And most of the cases are characterized by blatant neglect of rience. The prevalence of electronic communications such as the children. This situation for the women became a crucial cell phone hastens the affair due to convenience and ease of Pizarro and Gaspay-Fernandez 9 cover. SMS communication or texting were the facilitators of It’s different since there’s already a comparison. I saw his [lover] concern for me. He is always reminding me to not skip my meal. the affairs of two of the women (Vilma and Barbie). Nice He is soft-spoken. My husband rarely goes home and we always messages and the excitement derived from this method fight. He’s always yelling. He has no time that even when I ask pushed them further toward the onset of the relationship. for a date he refuses. What I also like about my boyfriend is While the lover of another woman was a neighbor, their when I air up my hurt feelings about my husband, he doesn’t encounters were made possible by her retail store where he provoke me. He consoles me and tells me to just let it go. (Vilma) (the lover) was a constant customer. In the other case, the persistence of her lover who followed her from Manila to What endured the relationship is the perception that the Palawan was an enduring opportunity, which remained open other man is better than the husband. “He [lover] treats me until she decided to accept it. differently than my husband . . . he is really caring,” as Happy reported. Estranged from their husbands, they feel that they become their other mans’ beloved. Love require- Husband Versus Lover: On Perpetuating Factors ments were satisfied when they believe that the lovers care The study finds that whether the husband is aware or not, the for them, and love for the husband faded. Esteem needs are affair endures. During the interview, the status of the four further satisfied just as Happy believes when she said, “I cases is cohabiting, while two are trysting secretly and one is have finally found my worth; it in some way boosted my dating, which means just seeing the other man from time to self-esteem.” time but without firm commitment. In spite of some societal With reference to the equity theory (Walster et al., 1978) constraints such as condemnation, gossips, and friends and and investment model, briefly discussed by Drigotas and family pressure, the women stood on their decision to engage Barta (2012), pursuing an alternative relationship if posi- and endure along the process. Diane and Ms. X said the tively evaluated may be considered as an equity restoration following: mechanism and may weaken the commitment to the marital relationship. The weakening of the commitment is due to the At first I was afraid I was thinking of others’ opinions if ever lessening of the marital as well as familial relationship satis- they found out. Well now, it’s different as I care less for whatever faction due to the unfulfilled needs and expectations of the they say. (Diane) woman, which in this study are also juxtaposed with the regard for children. It was also influenced by the compara- Same old. I don’t give a damn to their tittle-tattle. They know tively more satisfying EMR. The alternative relationship what’s between us [husband]. They know the story. They know became a way to restore the inequity in relationship, wherein how he [husband] treated me. I don’t care. It’s their opinion the women may consider themselves as the under-benefited anyway. (Ms. X) party. They have endured enough and so they believe that they deserve a better relationship. This justification is an Why? One woman (Happy) affirmed, “I have already underlying sentiment that could be extracted from the fol- made up my mind,” referring to her decision to stand for the lowing statements. affair. “I got the courage because I love him [lover],” another one (Meg) asserted, . . . my children understand and accept my situation because they know that their father is the reason why I do this. (Sweet . . . this one, I really feel that he loves me. He does everything Girl) just to see me. He helps me find food for my kids when I am having the hard time. He really takes care of me. His protection My boyfriend knows my circumstances and still accepts me. He and his concern for me and my children are really appreciable knows what I have endured from my despicable husband. . . . my youngest even calls him father. (Sweet Girl) (Fighter) I am really happy when I’m with him [lover] because he cares Table 2 summarizes the positively perceived quality for me. When I’m sick he would cook for me and assist me and within the extramarital and alternative familial relationship feed me. I did not experience all these from my husband. I have as the perpetuating factor of the EMR. The lover in this case endured a lot of pain with him [husband]. This one helps me do things like gardening . . . he took me home, his home. I don’t is the point of reference. When compared with the life with care if he [husband] finds out. I have already made up my mind. the husband, if not all, some of the needs are fulfilled in the (Happy) EMR as reflected in the expressions of the participants. Ms. X in particular got a child with her lover, thus satisfying her When they entered the affair, another set of expectations need to be a biological mother. The alternative familial rela- were put forward, that is, be protected, cared for, adored, and tionship for Sweet Girl provided the care and security for her loved, and needs be fulfilled—including the children’s. After children that even the youngest calls the lover tatay or father. a given period of trial, majority if not all of the familial and This relationship becomes alternative because this in some marital needs are fulfilled. The comparison between life with way compensates the familial needs, which are deficient or husband and life with the other man favored the latter. lacking within the original family life. Marital needs, which 10 SAGE Open are the primary factors, are reassured in the EMR. “I am given the abusive atmosphere of the women’s marital life of happy with him [lover]” is the usual confirmation of the which these lovers are fully aware, it may have something to women. “I have already found someone who loves and do with the “male protective instinct” or the “knight in shin- accepts me for real,” the physically abused Fighter revealed. ing armor” complex. Or it may confirm the connoted passive This exemplifies the perceived discovery of new love or waiting attitude of the Filipino woman. If it is the women, comparatively real love that encompasses the expressions of there might be this novel implication of a contemporary these women. They found it and hold unto it as long as it Filipino actively seeking her “happiness” amid the constraints lasts. of the society, that is, the double-standard morality and machismo ethics of men to be the motivators of romantic or sexual relationships.. Given this courage of the woman, pre- Conclusion disposing factors could now also be challenged, such as the Even if there were any good things at all in the marital life, family background or “it is in the blood” concept and even these were already clouded by the perceived undesirable her past relationships, age, and physiological changes. experiences. All that came out were negative reports against Influences of the social milieu such as the media, friends, the husbands and positive things about the lovers as these are family, and even their own children could also be taken as explained by the triggering and perpetuating factors, respec- variables. tively. The triggering factors focused on the husband–father while the perpetuating factors inclined favorably on the Acknowledgments lover. We would like to thank Mitzi Gaile Lopez, Ria Maureen Briones, As implied previously, the part of the women in the mari- and Sheryl Lagrada, who helped us in the gathering of data for this tal relationship was not evaluated as they focused on assess- research specifically in the series of interviews we conducted. Also, ing their husbands’ role instead of weighing the entire we are grateful to Lorizza Mae C. Posadas and Dr. Patrick Regoniel for the constructive criticisms that significantly improved the read- situation of the married life before EMR. Although not con- ability of this article. With their valuable support, we were able to firmed, there is the possibility that these women gave socially accomplish the objectives of this study efficiently. acceptable or biased answers to justify their acts so much that they set aside the possibility of their contributions on the failure of the marital and familial relationships even before Declaration of Conflicting Interests the affair. Allen et al. (2008) pointed out that relationship The author(s) declared no potential conflicts of interest with respect quality is actually a product of the contributions of the hus- to the research, authorship, and/or publication of this article. band and wife. Realizing this could have helped these women come up with a full perspective of what really happened in Funding the relationship and might have equipped them with strate- The author(s) received no financial support for the research and/or gies in salvaging whatever is left. 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(2012). grated, systemic approach to couples therapy. Journal of Infidelity, jealousy, and wife abuse among Tsimane forager Systemic Therapies, 26, 25-41. farmers: Testing evolutionary hypotheses of marital conflict. Evolution & Human Behavior, 33, 438-448. doi:10.1016/j. Author Biographies evolhumbehav.2011.12.006 Jemimah G. Pizarro is an instructor and researcher of the Thornton, V., & Nagurney, A. (2011). What is infidelity? Perceptions Department of Behavioral Sciences of Palawan State University. based on biological sex and personality. Psychology Research and Her research interests are in socio-cultural studies, education, gen- Behavior Management, 4, 51-58. doi:10.2147/PRBM.S16876 der issues, and philosophical discourses. Træen, B., Holmen, K., & Stigum, H. (2007). Extradyadic sexual relationships in Norway. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 36, 55- Rowena Gaspay-Fernandez is an educator and research practitio- 65. doi:10.1007/s10508-006-9080-0 ner in the field of Psychology. She is currently a faculty member of Tsapelas, I., Fisher, H. E., & Aron, A. (2010). Infidelity: When, the Behavioral Sciences Department of Palawan State University. where, why. In W. R. Cupach & B. H. Spitzberg (Eds.), The She does research in the field of family issues, counseling, educa- dark side of close relationships II (pp. 175-196). New York, tion, and socio-cultural experiences with particular inclination in NY: Routledge. the use of indigenous methods in qualitative research.

Journal

SAGE OpenSAGE

Published: Jan 13, 2015

Keywords: extramarital affair; infidelity; Filipino women; family; marriage; cheating

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